


how close we are to falling

by volunteer_of_hufflepuff



Series: looking through a shattered telescope at another universe [6]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Drabbles, Emotional Distance, Magic Loss, Mentions of Anxiety, Multi, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, introspections
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-13
Updated: 2019-06-08
Packaged: 2019-11-16 09:51:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18092102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/volunteer_of_hufflepuff/pseuds/volunteer_of_hufflepuff
Summary: The Shadow World is a dangerous place, that much the show shows us, but what about the scars it leaves on its inhabitants?Or: a collection of short, introspective drabbles of the moments the characters get to breathe and freak out.





	1. lost in a world that's always moving

**Author's Note:**

> here's to my short, emotion-ridden drabbles, originally posted on tumblr and dribbling their way over here.
> 
> now they have a home on AO3 too.
> 
> enjoy!

                 

how can you even begin to explain.

to someone who has not even been as much as touched, as graced, by the sword of anxiety.

the way it bubbles up and sways, pulls and tugs.

makes you lose all sight of what really matters, of doing what you can do.

the hesitancy, the sheer stupidity.

the feeling of being trapped in a body that can’t move.

can’t breathe can’t speak can’t do.

but you carry on anyway.

because the world doesn’t stop for people who have lost their footing.

what is a breather, a second to collect your thoughts?

non-existent, in a world that is always turning.

but you are magnus bane. alec lightwood. maia roberts. simon lewis. maryse trueblood.

a leader in a ruthless society, formal or not.

fear has entrenched itself in your veins, whoever you are, and it’s not going away.

but maybe those you love can help you through another day.


	2. the things that don't go away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> magnus deals with the loss of his magic.
> 
> he's not doing so well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this was an interjection to laughingmagnus' relatively light-hearted post about magnus doing his nails.
> 
> and then I came along with a splash of angst.

             

the nail polish drips down onto the stone floor.

magnus sighs. this has happened before, but it’s always been cleaned up with a flick of his wrist.

he flicks his wrist.

nothing sparks.

worst, it’s a glittery amber brown that clashes against the slate grey floor.

nail polish stains, he remembers.

another physical, unavoidable reminder that he’s useless now.

so when alec asks him why his nails are bare, he tells him that it’s for convenience.

not because nail polish has become another thing that breaks his heart by reminding him of what he lost.


	3. a distance too great to fathom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> alec feels at loss at what to do for his love who has lost so much.

        

How can you say ‘I miss you’?

When he’s right there in your bed?

Such a small distance, so close that you can reach out a hand and grace his skin.

But the emotional distance: that is something you flinch away from. Even the thought of it makes you wish for harder times.

Times when the world may have been falling around your shoulders, but there wasn’t a gaping cavern separating you from the man you love in your bed.

Or it’s his bed, really, not yours, after a brushed off, lightly rejected offer to move in.

Your people die young, fast and violently.

You thought that your lover was protected from that.

But as you watch him crumble under the cage of his new mortality, you are tumbling right into your nightmares.

You are Alec Lightwood, and Magnus Bane is beyond your reach, no matter how much you may love him.


	4. and i'm finally ready to fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little angsty drabble inspired by Magnus' recent breakdown.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: this does touch on depression and includes explicit suicidal ideation 
> 
> Other than that, I hope you enjoy this angsty thing!

                 

there's nothing more devastating, more desolating, more depressing than feeling so alone when you are surrounded by so many people.

people who claim to love you, sure, but many have done so before and turned out to be liars.

not that magnus can blame them. who can love a monster?

not even himself, not his mother, not his father, not his thousands of former lovers or a weeping vampire begging for death.

dead, alive, dead and human again by some sort of twisted torture invented by victor aldertree.

alec says he loves him. but for how much longer until the honeymoon phase fades away into dust and, embittered, he chooses someone less complex, less old, less _broken?_

magnus is counting his days.

but until then, there's not much he can do.

but feel like a complete and utter failure.

there's catarina, sure, and madzie - raphael, even. but they can all live without him.

every day, that sweet bliss of nothingness that he'd once held raphael back from grows ever so more tempting.

 _no one cares,_ says a snide whisper that sounds awfully like his father.

and magnus can't help but believe it, even when looking into the eyes of a man who he loves, and claims to love him back.

 _please don't leave me,_ is magnus' silent plea as he breaks down in alec's arms for what feels like the dozenth, pitiless time.

because otherwise?

catarina will hold him back from the brink, but when she goes - and she will, growing tired of his incessant and worthless self - he will finally fall.

and no one can save him this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *gives magnus a hug* everyone does really love you! even your mother (my alt. loving version of magnus' mother can be found [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17416790))


	5. as the sun falls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here, have some angsty, reflective poetry - I recently studied poetry and felt inspired.
> 
> and, well.
> 
> have some magnus angst around the time when he lost his magic?

 

you're alone, you think  
am I?

.

it's a constant curse,  
this thickening doubt,  
that never goes away.

.

there are thick swishes of brightly coloured fabric.  
violet and red, crimson and gold.  
laughing voices, soft falling sighs.  
flashes of crackling magic.

.

but no more of your own,  
for that is but a whisper of the past.

.

someone tugs at your waist.  
madzie, you think, or maybe alexander  
or maybe catarina, or raphael or -  
not ragnor, he's gone.

.

slips a drink into your hand.  
you sniff. there's not the underlying tang of alcohol.  
you look up,  
and there's love adorning his eyes.

.

so painfully mortal, you had thought.  
fragile, and beautiful.

.

lovable.

.

but mortality itself is not beautiful.  
it is a burden.  
that, you now know intimately,  
beyond the rustle of silk sheets.

.

magnus bane is magicless.  
life seeping from his very core.

.

though he smiles when alexander leans in,  
soft whispers against his cheek,  
and speaks of nothing but his boundless love,  
magnus knows the truth.

.

as the sun falls,  
he's never been more alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [tumblr ](https://mirrorofliterature.tumblr.com/) | [twitter](https://twitter.com/mirroroflit)
> 
>  

**Author's Note:**

> [tumblr](https://mirrorofliterature.tumblr.com/).
> 
> comments and kudos are whatever other signs of appreciation you like to leave are greatly appreciated!


End file.
